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'Students First In Line' Program To Offer Job Training The nation's poorest schools will receive extra government funding to teach their students useful skills like rifle assembly. Tags: onion news network |
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Iraq To Pass Law Requiring Waiting Period For Suicide Vests Panelists discuss whether stringent new suicide-vest laws would make sure only responsible people blow themselves up. Tags: onion |
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Nation Of Andorra Not In Africa, Shocking U.S. State Dept. The United States gave billions of dollars in aid to the wealthy European principality of Andorra, which it mistakenly assumed was a poor African country. Tags: onion |
User: quabojones22 |
World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100 Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best -- performing surgery on the human brain. Tags: onion news network |
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Should Animals Be Doing More For The Animal Rights Movement? Panelists discuss whether animals should play a more active role in the fight for their rights by participating in marches or organizing boycotts. Tags: onion news network |
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Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed Websites like Match.com allow sad, lonely women all over the country to invite pain and rejection into their lives with just a few clicks of the mouse. Tags: onion |
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New Abortion Bill To Require Fetal Consent A new bill would require any woman seeking an abortion to obtain the consent of her fetus. Tags: abortion |
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U.S. Department of Lost and Found: Umbrellas and Sweaters Have you lost something? The U.S. Department of Lost and Found helps Americans find their misplaced possessions. Tags: onion news network |
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Don Cheadle Planned Darfur Genocide To Create Film Role UN officials confirmed that Hotel Rwanda star Don Cheadle funded the genocide in Darfur for the purpose of starring in a film about the tragedy. Tags: onion news network |
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America Trails Behind World In Aptitude Of Child Soldiers After a shocking new study finds U.S. children lag far behind their international peers in subjects like rifle assembly and mine defusing. Tags: onion news network |
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Blockbuster Offers Glimpse Of How Movies Used To Be Rented The Blockbuster Video Living Museum offers tourists a glimpse of how Americans rented movies before the advent of services like Netflix and iTunes. Tags: onion news network |
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In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote Panelists discuss the idgit, or idiot, voter -- the unpredictable, uniformed demographic that invariably decides elections. Tags: onion news network |
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Nation's Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of XMAS The nation's poor get to experience true Christmas spirit, while the wealthy, burdened by shopping and party obligations, are left out in the cold. Tags: onion news network |
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New Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now Today Now! utilizes computer technology to show a mother how rampant drug use and prostitution has ravaged her little girl's body. Tags: onion |
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Congress Debates Merits Of New Catchphrase Rep. William Cummings (D-VA) defends his use of the slang word "pronk" as a legitimate catchphrase. Tags: onion |
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Press Secretary Spins Wife's Tragic Death As A Positive Press Secretary Ted Barrett deflects questions about the gruesome car wreck that killed his wife hours ago in order to focus on the President's agenda. Tags: onion |
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9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda. Tags: onion |
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National Lost and Found: Did You Lose A Flag? If you've misplaced something, the National Department of Lost and Found is the place to turn. Tags: onion news network |
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Are We Giving The Robots That Run Our Society Too Much Power Panelists discuss whether controversial decisions by the Robot Congress and President Executron indicate robots have too much control over our lives. Tags: onion news network |
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Awesome Hit During Titans-Colts Game Chris Henry gets laid out. Tags: reid colts titans chris henry |
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Delicious Snacks Distract Congressmen From Horrors Of War A congressional committee discussing Iraq War casualty levels approves of the tasty chips and salsa Rep. Norman Fisher (D-RI) brought to the hearing. Tags: onion |
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Nearly 80 Percent Of Roommates Got So Drunk Last Night A survey by the Shuttleworth Research Center found that the majority of male roommates ages 18-24 got wasted off their asses the previous evening. Tags: onion |
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Mitt Romney Defends Himself Against Allegations Of Tolerance Mitt Romney's candidacy took a major hit following the discovery of statements he made a decade ago that imply he isn't sickened by gays. Tags: onion news network |
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How Can We Make The War In Iraq More Eco-Friendly? Panelists discuss ways to wage a greener war in Iraq, such as driving biodegradable tanks and shocking detainees testicles with wind power. Tags: onion |
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Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays With the reconstruction of Ground Zero finally underway, anchor Brandon Armstrong invites two guests to discuss the progress. Tags: ground zero |